Confession of a Contemptible Christian: Part 2: Words

Sometime in my teens the sport of rock climbing seeped deep into my soul.

Climbing is a unique sport – with its intense physical demands, required technical expertise, elements of putting your life on the line, and so much more. Ask any climber about their love for the discipline and before long you will begin to hear how spiritual of an activity it really is for each one.  There is something about focusing all of your strength, all of your mind, all of your fear and doubts into a tiny edge of unforgiving rock that makes the world drop away.  It changes you by changing the way you see the world and redefining how you think about what you can or can’t do.

I began working as a professional outfitter at mountaineering stores to help supply my habits and keep me connected to the climbing lifestyle/community no matter what else life brought my way.  Eventually life brought me to seminary at Trinity International University and I took at job at the local mountaineering store.  Here is where I met Bill.

Bill was a local climbing prodigy who worked part time at the gear shop. He was easily one of the best I’ve ever met.  While I was never very talented at the sport, getting by mainly on discipline, Bill was simply at another level.  Our talks about climbing quickly grew into climbing trips. It was impressive to see him climb and an honor to be his climbing partner.

A climbing partner is a unique relationship among all types.  Again, ask any climber.  A bond unlike any other is formed from with the person you spend long hours in demanding situations, trusting one another with your lives, and sharing a love for something hard to describe to those who don’t understand – the camaraderie runs deep.

Bill knew I was in seminary and fully invested in my Christian faith.  He, on the other hand, while raised Christian, had his doubts and was going through a rebellious phase in his life.  Our conversations centered on the spiritual.  I came to think it was why I was in his life and why he liked having me around even through I couldn’t match his climbing ability.

At the time I thought more about “lifestyle evangelism.” No hard talks, no pressure, simply life on life.  I just “knew” that he would eventually come around to a decision about Jesus with me in his life.  He’d ask me hard questions and I would give him straight answers.  He would ask if I have ever doubted my faith and I would honestly say that I have not.  We phased in and out of serious discussions with ease.

…

One weekend it was on once again – time for a late summer climbing trip to the local mecca, Devil’s Lake, Wisconsin.

We planned for what was a common practice among the climbing community: to get to Devil’s Lake in the pre-dawn hours, sleep for while, and then climb at dawn in the cool of the morning – before the heat, bugs, posers, and tourists complicated the day.

Bill and I drove separately this time around.  I was there first and went right to the cliffs for a quick preview before heading back to the car to pack my gear.  Bill pulled up as I was on my way back and he too headed right for the cliffs, pack already shouldered – we passed in the night, headlamps lighting our feet and our faces. We welcomed each other but were focused on getting set for some sleep at the top of the cliffs.  Both ready to pass out, “see you at sunrise” were our final words.

The excitement for the dawn and the day’s climbs was high. I breathed deep the night air and fell asleep under the stars at peace.

…

I awoke that morning to find Bill’s body at the bottom of the cliff; mangled on the forest floor. Sometime in the night Bill fell to his death. No one really knows why, there was no reason, no risk in our situation.  He was only 17.

…

I had spent hours in the car and on the cliffs with Bill talking about “things that matter.” But I never pressed him about his decision, never asked him where he was with Jesus, never told him it was all that really mattered.  It would not have changed our relationship one iota if I had.  I just never did.

I was willing to live life with him, share a deep bond, and speak of spiritual things – but I never said the words.  It does not matter that he knew what I believed and why. The Gospel is not just lifestyle and reputation – you have to share the words.

I now spent hours there at the bottom of the cliff with Bill’s battered body waiting for help to arrive…an eternity to face the reality that I had no idea about the fate of his soul. I have never grieved so heavily.

I remembered the night before and the sound that startled me awake in the middle of the night – I knew then it was the crashing of Bill’s death.  I am still woken up in the night by that haunting sound from time to time.

I count it as no coincidence that this tragedy is bonded to something I valued so deeply; seared deep into my consciousness through experiences that mean the most to me. I cannot escape the images. I am not a climber anymore.

It changed me.  Changed how I saw the world. This was one of those moments when a person is simply different the next day and no longer the person from the day before.

To be good is not the Good News. Lifestyle is not proclamation. I could not save Bill. I did not save Bill.

…

Let me end this entry with the same contrast as in Part 1…

For me, most of the “don’ts” have been on lock-down my entire life. I’ve never struggled with the usual suspects that we so often associate with “being Christian” – sexual immorality, drunkenness, etc. (Rom 13:13, Gal 5:19-20).  I’ve found those “temptations” to be easily avoided or disciplined away. I’ve been strong at keeping my tongue tamed (James 1:26, James 3:2). No one has ever heard me so much as swear in public (and only one person ever has in private). My relationships have always been on point and by all accounts I’ve been a “good” man.

I’ve unwaveringly represented myself as a believer to my peers and I’ve been looked to as a “mature” Christian for as long as I can remember.  I’ve stood up for my faith and for others at every turn. When it comes to Bible knowledge and theological expertise I have consistently been top of the class.

Faithfulness in those matters of personal piety – I count them as nothing – they fall as pointless, worthless, and incomparable to the ways I have failed in what it truly looks like to follow Jesus.

I never said the words.

This is how I continue to learn what the Gospel is and what it really means to be a follower of Jesus. This is my confession of a contemptible Christian.

This entry was posted on Saturday, October 2nd, 2010 at 7:05 pm. It is filed under Bio, Blog, Faith. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed.