This is not the life I wanted
Recently I was being asked about my life and accomplishments when my interviewer commended my “success,” the hard work and sacrifice that it must have taken to “get where I am,” and that it must feel worth it after “achieving” my goals. I felt the need to make an important distinction: I am not a product of ambition.
In no sense is this the life I expected, planned for, prepared for, prayed for, worked toward, or aspired to in any way. At all. To a hilarious degree. Nearly every aspect of my life – where I live, how I live, the relationships I have, the job I am privileged to have, all of it – is not something I would have envisioned or chosen for myself. I have worked hard, yes, but what I feel I have sacrificed is the life I wanted.
Now, don’t hear me wrong. I have an amazing life. One far beyond my own imagination. That’s the point. Perhaps that’s the definition of being blessed: Letting God fill your life with his amazing imaginative purpose. The “giving up” of the life I wanted was not all at once some time in my past, and it certainly hasn’t been without much daily protest. Instead, it continues to be a day-by-day, moment-by-moment willingness to submit my will/choices/desires/impulses/plans to a very providential God.
Maybe Joseph Campbell said it best. “We must be willing to let go of the life we have planned, so as to have the life that is waiting for us.” Or maybe it was Woody Allen, “If you want to make God laugh, tell him about your plans.”
I think I prefer the apostle Paul’s inspired take, “and we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose (Rom 8:28); “In him we were also chosen, having been predestined according to the plan of him who works out everything in conformity with the purpose of his will (Eph. 1:11a).
So, here I sit as the steward of a life that I can honestly and confidently say I had no real hand in orchestrating. Knowing what I know now, I truly and deeply wish the same for everyone.
